The post I’ve been putting off

I’ve wanted to write an update for a while but writing down everything thats gone on recently just seemed too daunting but I’ve concluded I should at least try.

Friday 24th

I had an appointment with Helen and Paul, we did mindfulness and it totally fucked me up. It emptied my head of the thoughts that keep me distracted. I ended up with only bad thoughts left. Helen noticed my shift in odd and they were worried about me leaving in a state, so they sat me in reception and she said she’d see me at 10, after her next appointment. At 10 we discussed what had happened and tried to make a plan for the rest of the day so that I would be safe and could start feeling better.

In the evening, my suicidal thoughts got very strong and so I panicked and asked a friend to take me to A&E. Her dad drove us. He tried to guilt trip me into calling my mum. I refused. He threatened to go to my house if I didn’t. I called my best friend who was with 2 of our other friends. They all said they’d come to the hospital so that the other girl’s dad would stop guilt tripping me.

I saw a nurse, she said she’d call the crisis team.

We bumped into one of our teachers and a girl who used to go to our school.

At around 12:30 I was taken through to see the on call psychiatrist. He wasn’t very helpful and said come back in the morning if you’d like to be treated by the home treatment team.

I got an uber home.

Saturday 25th

Went shopping. Told mum I’d been to A&E. Friends turned up with my favourite chocolates and sweets and we all sat in my bed chatting etc. I love them all dearly.

Monday 27th

I had camhs with Paul and Helen, they asked about Friday. I said I just couldn’t cope. They were proud I called for help. The appointment lasted around half an hour before I agreed they could call the crisis team. I waited in reception and rang the school to explain all my unauthorised absences. Paul told me to come back to camhs at 3:30 for an appointment with the crisis team, Rumyana and him.

The crisis team consisted of 3 men, Rumyana joined us and they all introduced themselves. Paul joined us half way through after his last appointment. I cried a lot. Rumyana spoke on my behalf, asking lots of questions. It was terrifying. I was asked to leave whilst they discussed what they thought I needed. Rumyana hugged me in the corridor and told me it would be okay, that I didn’t have to make any decisions, that I could say no. When I was called back into the room, they told me I had an appointment at the hospital at 11 the next day. The crisis team left. I cried more. I asked if I had to go and if I didn’t turn up what would happen. Paul told me not to decide, to decide tomorrow. I objected as I knew with my mum there how much they’d try and persuade me.

Tuesday 28th

Had an appointment with Dr Yarga at the mental health unit of the local hospital. She asked about my moods, stresses, history of mood etc. She decided to put me on fluoxetine and clonazepam. That night I took a clonazepam and it did help me sleep better.

Wednesday 29th

Margo came round and gave me my supply of Sertraline (they couldn’t get hold of any fluoxetine) and Clonazepam. She seemed nice, slightly mad but nice.

Thursday 30th

I went on a biology trip, the side effects of the meds made me really tired and I fell asleep on my friends lap. I went home at lunch time because I was so tired. Mahindra rang me and I told him I felt tired and was on my way home.

Friday 31st

Had an appointment with Helen from the crisis team, she is my favourite of the htt. She was lovely and kind and didn’t make me feel like a burden.

Saturday 1st

Saw Mahindra at the hospital. He is okay. Not my favourite but not bad either.

Sunday 2nd

Saw Claire an Australian support worker. I didn’t like her much.

Monday 3rd

Helen from CAMHS. She told me discharge plans need to be discussed as I get transferred to either ed or adult services. I cried loads, I’m finding transitioning very stressful.

Tuesday 4th

Had a blood test to see if my ed has done any damage. Saw Claire again and she gave me more meds.

Wednesday 5th

Saw Claire, I’m beginning to like her. Said I might be going to Bristol. She said that was okay. Booked an apt for Monday at 3pm 🙂


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