Life is a rollercoaster. It’s difficult at the best of times, but it is what it is at the end of the day. Some of us live life with an added challenge of the line between reality and imagination being so very blurred. I’ve only recently come to accept and acknowledge this aspect of my being, this blurry haze. I thought I’d try and explain what it’s like to live with hallucinations, paranoia and sometimes voices, although everyone has different experiences with psychotic illnesses, so this is obviously my personal experience and I can’t speak for anyone else.
You can be sitting watching tv, when suddenly the guitars hanging behind your head turn into people, talking behind your back, but you can’t hear what they’re saying. A black cat is on the armrest of the sofa, you don’t have a cat. Not real. You blink and blink trying to clear them away but it isn’t working, they won’t leave. You turn around and they aren’t there but in the reflection, you can see them chatting away.
You’re in your bedroom when you realise you can hear the neighbours talking so loudly, you try and work out what they’re saying but it’s distorted. Sometimes you catch parts of sentences, but it’s muddled and doesn’t make sense. You hold a glass to the wall to make what they are saying louder, but it doesn’t work. Standing with your head against the floor or the wall for over an hour, insistent you can hear talking. Not real.
In class, the trees of the forest outside the window start to move, walking towards each other. Concentrating is so hard when you know things that shouldn’t be moving, are. My school work is covered in drawings of the people, spiders and trees. I do try and have a sheet of paper specifically for these drawings so that my academic work doesn’t get covered in scribbles, but sometimes I do it without realising.
I might add more to this post when I think of things to write, but for now, I’m having a mental block. That reminds me, thought blocking!! sometimes when in an episode it’s nearly impossible for me to think and speak at the same time, even thinking becomes difficult in honesty.
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